Wedding crasher Jennifer Troiano cries ‘no foul’ as she mucks up Wills & Kate fairytale

Today's tabloids, April 29, 2011. ()
Tweet Share on Facebook Share on Tumblr Print

Each day, the New York tabloids vie to sell readers at the newsstands on outrageous headlines, dramatic photography, and, occasionally, great reporting. Who is today's winner?

The New York Post:  Well, it's the Day of the Royal Wedding! Some of my favorite tweets as I'm writing have been: "Kate's in the back, being de-briefed on the fact that the queen is a lizard;" "Camilla is in Jimmy Choos, the Queen is in Angela Kelly and I'm in Spencer Gifts novelty pajamas with accessories by Pop Tart and Zoloft"; "Did you know, for instance, that Mr. Met is 10th in line for the British Throne?;" and "The coach is sponsored by London Ducktours and will now enter the Thames." OK! But none of this live action makes it to the front pages because the wedding only began two hours after press-time, so the Saturday-paper wasteland is the likely repository of all the awesome pictures you can't wait to see.

For today, the "official" wedding portrait is what the Post has for you. And, apparently unsatisfied with the original, the Post has had to silhouette the two and do a terrible clipping-path job around them so they are floating like kids' magazine cutouts over a bright blue field. (Note: if the background were white we wouldn't see this!) Also for some reason it's blue to their left but the space behind them to their right is white. It's like they are standing in front of a giant stripe, and you're colorblind. Except for the blue, and the red "wedding script" that says "The Royal Wedding" in lettering that looks like it's from the awning of the Grand Prospect Hall. It might just be my personal orientation toward marriage that makes the whole thing look like an obituary treatment.

Another favorite tweet: "I hope Kate goes & gets trashed tonight." That's actually what a Bronx prosecutor did sometime in January! And during testimony regarding her current D.W.I. charge, it emerged that another D.W.I. arrest in December was scrubbed from the records, which "raises questions" (that's a little like a portrait emerging) about whether Bronx cops do more than fix little parking tickets for connected Bronxpeople.

MORE ON CAPITAL

ADVERTISEMENT

"'FREE' DRINKS" reads the headline; "Cops save ADA from DWI bust" is the dek, and the letters are tracked in* so bad the letters seem to be committing acts of frottage on one another. A crowded dek is no excuse for unlawful sexual conduct, New York!

Hey, there is also the guy who was the Giants' No. 1 draft pick last night. His name is Prince Amukamara, which the Post doesn't give to us on the front. But "Giants pick a Prince" is the headline in pale yellow text, which is a way to continue to participate in the Royal Sexual Consummation that's as tacky as you like.

* tracked in: The space between letters has been reduced to fit them into the space allotted in the page design.

Daily News: Wow, this tea just goes straight to my head. Crumpet, anyone? OK!

So the News goes with a candid of Kate Middleton that makes you think, if we are going to bother with royalty at all, perhaps we should not allow our princesses to look so much like they are doing a charity fashion show in Gap clothes for a local church. Hey! In inscrutable wedding text it says "William & Kate." Actually it's kind of sweet that she looks so plain and shabbily dressed when you follow the hook-shaped box she's in to the bottom and get to the display that reads "Today's her big day!"

It's like she's in the frogesse phase before the Royale Kisse that will make her a Princesse. (Tweet just now: "In a nod to tradition the skycams installed at Westminster in 1245 are being used to record the occasion.") More crumpets, please!

Oh but here, too, the unpleasant visage of Jennifer Troiano, the aforementioned allegedly perpetually drunk Bronx A.D.A., is here to darken our fairytale. "No foul!" she apparently told cops while walking into lanes of traffic and flashing her A.D.A. ID, after she was in a three-car pile-up. "DWI PINCH FIX" reads the text, which I am too lazy to parse. Who cares?

Observations: Robbed of the only story they can care about today (try to find any of the print stories on either paper's website right now if you don't believe me) by 2 a.m. printers' deadlines, the tabloids are in a distinct moment of not mattering this morning. It's as though you showed up this morning for a prize fight but both the boxers were too drunk to fight so some undercard fight you don't care about is happening.

But since it's a part of our thing here never to not declare a winner, we're gonna X out the drunken A.D.A. and let them compete on Royal Wedding pictures. Does Kate Middleton as a non-professional Land's End model beat the bad clip job around the black-and-white "official portrait"? Why not!

Winner: Daily News.